作為一個「自由身」的教育工作者，一直以來都想撰寫一篇討論教育的文章，終於在無所事事的今天把這個構思付諸實踐。
教育本身的重要性，相信是無人能否定的。話說，從古代社會以農業為本，到工業革命、政治革命為現代社會揭開歷史的一頁，甚至現今的後現代時期，社會的進程，無疑與教育的普及息息相關。社會的發展固然讓教育得以普及，然而更不能忽視的是社會之所以能有如此鼓舞人心的改變，教育實在功不可沒。說教育將人類進一步從生物層提升到價值層也不為過。在自身的生理需要之上，先修養品德，然後將關注擴展到社會層面，「修身、齊家、治國、平天下」，最終還是要培養包攬天下的視野和改變世界的抱負。
理想的普及教育應該是思維的訓練而非職業技能的訓練。當然，職前裝備也相當重要，可是就技能訓練而言，亦實在沒有比親身體驗更好的學習方法；與其背誦書本上關於機器的理論，不如到工廠實習操作。然而在職業技能以外，一個人更需要真正的教育，不然只會是一台有心跳有體溫的機器。機器被製造是為了發揮功能，但人接受教育不能只為達到功能性的目的。最起碼，人必須求知、探究和發揮創意，才得以造就機器的發明。況且科技日新月異，如果只就功能來看，幾乎能肯定機器會有取締人的一天。我這樣論證，並無任何踐踏之意，只是於我觀察，香港人普遍將教育的意義建基於其「職業價值」，誠然令人心痛。我們一直被灌輸這種觀念：選科要選有用的，有用的即是將來能幫你攀權勢、賺大錢的，所以今年高考的狀元幾乎全都選商科，連傳統「神科」醫學和法律也無人問津－原來連行醫的也不及從商的「有用」，多諷刺! 職業訓練應該在工場進行，而教育更不應該與之混為一談。韓愈以「傳道、授業、解惑」闡述老師的責任，可見教育以價值的承傳為始，以思考為終。
我再說，教育是思維的訓練，而非思維的模造。教育的最終目標不可能是製造倒模思維，除非那是被利用成為政治工具的所謂教育，說穿了就是披著education (教育)皮的propaganda (政治宣傳)，是傳說中十大武器之首(比摺櫈「扣血」更多)，危險非常。讀歷史時我們都知道它叫propaganda，是種政治手段；不過回到當時，當權者當然打教育的旗號，全因教育一向為人趨之若鶩，老百姓對這種軟性毒品的警覺性幾乎是零，最終這種「教育」的力量之大，看納粹德國、軍國日本和我國文革時期的歷史，必定讓你驚歎不已 。且讓我們回到真正的教育。教育應該以刺激不同的意見、孕育不同的思考、發掘不同的潛質為目的。這裡討論的前設是：每個人生而獨特，有著不一樣的天賦、不一樣的背景、不一樣的成長、不一樣的看法。我妄想教育能幫助我們了解自己、接納他人、認識世界，然後找到自己的位置，竭力為身處的社會付出。可惜那些年，我們一起受的教育告訴我們要爭競、要淘汰，才能生存。驀然回首，發現在學校裡我們丟失的比得到的多；丟失了好奇，丟失了創意，丟失了自信，甚至丟失了自己，為要達到別人訂下的標準，為要成為別人口中「成功」的人。
我們的教育制度以劃一的基準評核、以至淘汰學生，卻忽略了我們本來就生而不同。 作為前線教育工作者，我觀察到香港學生特別缺乏自信，這肯定是因為我們在「被比較」和「被否定」中長大。我們甚少被稱讚，反正永遠都被批評不夠這個她「好」、沒有那個他「高分」。可笑的是，我們的制度就這樣製造了那些「高分」得目中無人的「夜郎」，和「低分」得無地自容的「可憐蟲」。成功的教育不在於汰弱留強，反而在於能否幫助學生發揮本身的特點；就如一個偉大的雕刻家能運用不同的材料雕出完美的藝術品，卻不會強求石膏能表現寶石的華麗感，也不會奢望黃金能展示木材的樸實感。 當然，我也會當學生的面作比較，比較的卻是他們的學習態度。我們總可以在態度上互相學習，至於能力，我深感每個人都是獨特的。在我的學生當中，也有讀寫障礙的同學，其實撇除語文能力強差人意，他們往往有非常出色的專長：運動「勁」、打機「醒」、修理電器「冇得頂」。我們的制度要求他們中、英文達到基準實在是強人所難，但是否就因此剝奪了他們繼續接受教育的機會，甚至把這群「讀不了書」的人放棄？當然，也不是說一定要把他們丟到大學裡受難，不過他們按自己的才能進到職業學校，也應該受到技能以外的思維的訓練。誠然，考慮到社會資源缺乏，還有就是香港也著實不需要(也不賞識)那麼多「知識型」畢業生投身社會，既然不是每個人都會和大學結緣，中、小學就更任重而道遠，肩負起「傳道、授業、解惑」的教育任務。回到根本，我也實在希望香港人不要依舊短視；「行行出狀元」(恕我老套)有其道理，然而思維教育必定比職業訓練來得先、來得重要，所以請別再以這科「有出路」、那科「揸兜」，用庸俗的眼光對各種學術評頭品足。
更重要的是，身處後現代社會的我們，如果有幸接受比其他人多的教育，要謹記教育賦予我們的並不是權威，而是責任。有時候我覺得，大家之所以對高等教育趨之若鶩是因為它幾乎與權力劃上等號。不論那權力是以社會地位抑或金錢衡量，高學歷的人總散發著那種懾服人的氣勢，而我們也偏偏對之嚮往。人類對權力的貪戀，也似乎是永無止境的渴望，即使它像魔介一樣把人性都扭曲、將關係離間，我們還是天天深情地對它唱「Can’t Take My Eyes Off You」。然而我們接受教育，不是為了得人尊重、讓人服從，而是為了擔起社會責任，批判社會的弊病，並且協助成就多元化群體裡的溝通理性 (communicative rationality, Jürgen Habermas) 。是的，在後現代、各持己見的時代，溝通理性是平衡各方利益、亦能同時讓大家彼此諒解彼此包容的渠道。教育讓我們有如此信念、勇氣和思辨能力，使我們不至於盲目順服權勢，甚至要敏感弱勢社群的需要，為他們爭取發聲、爭取權益。因為我深信，沒有一個階層、沒有一個界別的聲音是比較不重要的。
Monday, September 10, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
我是年屆廿五的單身女生, 又如何?
家裡的電視機壞了良久，一直未修，也毫無動機修，反正也沒甚麼值得看的。前幾天從四川回到香港，脫了節的我發現大家都如火如荼的在討論一個叫"盛女XYZ"的節目。既然大學修過性別研究，就本著好奇心在網上看了一、兩集。
看的時候有兩種感覺：先是可笑，然後來的是悲哀。
可笑的事也挺多的。首先“盛女(剩女)”這個標籤稱呼本來已經可笑，原來廿五歲或以上仍然單身的女士，就是剩下來無人問津的失敗者(不忘聲明，筆者也是年屆廿五的單身女子)；反觀“男人四十一枝花”，你看節目裡的“筍盤”都是職場上拼了十多年，名利雙收的時候想找個女人成家的“鑽石王老五”。John Berger 在 Ways of Seeing 裡所說的“men act and women appear”，亦完整的詮釋這種性別定型的主流價值觀。至於主流價值觀是對是錯，女人是否以婚姻決定其價值，而男人是否用事業判斷其成就，其實答案大家都心知肚明，就看你有沒有逆流甚至顛覆的膽色。要是說女人為了奉承男人，不惜變身，變成小鳥伊人、事事順從的美少女戰士才能獲垂青，那麼“贏”回來的男人，愛的根本不是真正的你。假如女人居然為了“嫁得出”的面子和安穩而選擇與一個不認識、不了解、不接受，更遑論愛你的人過下半輩子，可笑也實在可憐。
另一邊廂，那些獵食的“成功男人”也是很可笑的。他們花了至少十年去追逐他們眼裡的“成就”，得到了，歇一會，覺得該找個女人，而且覺得自己有條件找個很好的；不過十年只埋首在事業上，再聰明的男人依我看也沒得智慧，既然從前沒有好好花時間結交知己良朋，該知道這會兒樸過來的女人到底是真的懂你、準備好擔當你另一半的角色，還是為了你表面擁有的所有而企圖跟你做結婚這買賣的。男人啊，別以為單憑自己的條件可以“買”一個女人當老婆，更不要不屑那些窮一生追求好歸宿的女人沒大志，對她們來說，那個也許就相等於你窮一生追求的名成利就。如果我笑為了男人改變自己的女人可憐，那為了名利失去自己的男人就更可憐，因為連自知之明也沒有。
作為一個廿五歲而單身的女性，看了那電視節目我沒有覺得被貶低、被冒犯；與其耗盡精神為自我身份反抗、辯論，不如認真反思我們的社會到底怎麼了。電視節目不過是傳播媒體，它能引起如此關注，恰反映我們生活的群體裡，真真實實存在價值觀扭曲的悲哀。無論是女的想找個靠岸，還是男的成就到手就獵老婆，根本就是單純的自我中心。男的立了業必須成家，為的是獲取“成功”之冠冕，婚後如果偶爾出軌，也不過為滿足情感或肉體需要；女的找個溫柔體貼、關懷備至的，職業“見得人”，至少能確保生活安穩，如果長得帥，婚禮也搞得冠冕堂皇，就可以炫耀自己的幸福－兩者心態是一樣，只求自己得益，不過是大家要的東西名堂不一樣而已。
那麼，我敢問，家庭價值是甚麼？從戀愛開始，就已經不再是一個人的事。無論建立何種關係，包括親情、友情、愛情、師生甚至僱主、僱員或同事，都是一種承擔，因為牽涉其他人，所以不能只想自己的喜好、自己的需要。每次學生問我是否跟一般老師一樣反對中學生談戀愛，我都告訴他們，如果你連自己都做不好，不要奢望能夠承擔另一個人的事情。諷刺的是，我們談戀愛，甚至到結婚，往往只想我是否喜歡、我有甚麼期望、我得到甚麼、我開心與否，甚麼時候會想，我能付多少？這付出不是說花多少時間、買甚麼禮物甚至乎以身相許，而是說，在投入一段關係以先，特別是愛情這種特容易讓人情緒波動的非家庭後天關係，我們更應該仔細思量，我到底能承擔嗎？再說，婚姻代表甚麼？難道是消費、是示威？既然愛情甚至友情本來就要求承擔，婚姻更是一輩子承擔的承諾。豈不知道婚姻就是家庭的建立麼？在我們渴望步入婚姻的同時，到底是準備好擔當妻子、丈夫、媳婦、女婿以至父母這永不見退休之日的任務，還是不過希望能為那段感情、甚至只為自己面子和安穩買個保險？我們可以對自己不負責任，自我中心的作了選擇，頂多“不合則去”，哭過痛過，再去找能滿足自己的。那麼如果有了孩子呢？他們倒是沒得選擇地出生在這個草率建立的家庭裡，誰要對他們負責任呢？小孩子要承受父母自私的惡果，莫非純粹因其不幸？破碎的家庭、失喪的青少年、用愛情甚至婚姻建構自我價值的成年人，循環不斷，這是讓人心痛的事實。如果說離婚是自私的，不如說沒有搞清楚家庭價值而魯莽結婚的，自私得很。
戀愛、婚姻，這是嚴肅的事情，是關乎家庭的建立，而家庭是組成社會的核心結構。你絕對可以說社會敗壞與你無關，不過傷害你的摯愛、你的家人，你也於心不忍吧。再說，愛情並不是治療自我形象問題的良藥，即使一開始的時候它或許曾經讓你自我感覺良好。它之所以能把你抬高到“top of the world”，也能把你丟到無底深淵，是因為你誤以為它是你有沒有人愛、因而有沒有價值的指標。可是每個人都是獨特而珍貴的，從出生到離開世界，愛情只是其中的一部分，完整的人生，還包括太多其他的成份，更重要的是抓住你的獨特，珍惜你所擁有，以專屬你的獨特方式愛你生命裡值得愛的所有人，才無悔今生吧。
作為年屆廿五的單身人士，我沒有說我不想戀愛、不想結婚。然而現在，我也算得上是十分幸福；我擁有永遠支持我的家人、絕對信任我的朋友、我所珍愛的學生、讓我滿足並不斷成長的工作，還有值得我堅持下去的價值觀。我始終希望，也許是奢望，我終會遇到那一個人，能了解我、支持我並與我一同承擔我所堅信的價值觀。那是我堅持我能為世界變得美好而出一分力的信念，我深願除了我，還有那樣的一個人，最好連同我父母、妹妹，甚至將來要是有了兒女，一家人都為此而努力。不過現在的我，既然還沒遇到那個人，也至少能專注將這價值觀在我的朋友之間、學生當中承傳下去。
我其實挺喜歡主動告訴人家我的年齡，一方面是鬧著玩，讓人首先被我的身高誤導，然後驚訝我原來這麼大了；另一方面是曉得我確實活了這麼多年，這年齡是我學習智慧、以至漸漸成熟的里程碑。所以哦，我是年屆廿五的單身女生，又如何？
(In English)
I am 25, single. So what?
Being out of order for quite a while (well half a year in fact), the TV at home is never properly fixed. To be honest, I lack the initiative to get it fixed, for I haven’t seen any program in particular worth watching in the recent years. Last week when I came home from my working trip in Sichuan, I found people discussing and papers criticizing a program called “Bride Wannabes”. As a Comparative Literature student who is taught to do social criticism and gender studies, I was driven to get a glimpse of the series online.
While watching the program, absurdity stroke me first, then grief follows.
The absurd things are pretty apparent. In the very first place, “Bride Wannabes” labels women who reach the age of 25 and are yet still single as “unwanted maidens”. Such a gender stereotype (as one can easily decode simply by looking at the title of the program) propagates single ladies as a failure (and YES, I myself am a 25-year-old single too). On the contrary, as a Chinese saying goes, “40s are the best years of a man”, desirable men introduced to the ladies in the program are “professionals” who have been slaughtering on the career battle field for more than ten years, possessing fame, wealth and power as trophies of success and now, all of a sudden, feel an urge to marry a woman so as to build his own family. The renowned cultural theory of “men act and women appear” put forth by John Berger (Ways of Seeing, 1972) well elaborates this normative gender stereotype. And yet whether such norms make sense, whether marriage solely determines a woman’s value and whether career achievements decide a man’s success, all the above are beyond discussion; It’s not about “yes” or “no”, it’s about daring or not to overthrow these rules the majority has long been following. If a woman lives only for pleasing men, even though submissiveness, or oppression I’ll put it, “wins” her a man, the man definitely doesn’t love her as whom she really is. If marriage means saving face and ensuring stability, does it mean a woman can spend the rest of her life with someone who doesn’t really know her, who is not interested in understanding her, who doesn’t embrace the real her, who never truly loves her?
Meanwhile, those “successful men” who hunt for a wife are equally pathetic. Spending over a decade to pursue what they call “success”, they end up winning almost everything yet realize they need a wife to complete the bibliography of the “successful man”. Nonsensically, they are confident that they possess all the qualifications to own a perfect woman. However clever they might be, they are not a bit wise to expect marrying a woman who is genuinely ready to be a life-long partner, while in the past years they have actually been focusing solely on making money and building up fame instead of making sincere friends and building up supportive relationships with people around. It is indeed no surprise to find women linger around such men, eyeing on marriage in exchange for materialistic possessions. Men, don’t even think about “purchasing” a wife with all that you have, and dare you disdain women who live their life for getting married; marriage, to them, is equivalent to success, which you have been spending your whole life pursuing. If women who sacrifice the true self for men are pitiful, then men who trade the true self for the sake of fame and wealth are equally pathetic, perhaps not even knowing the reality.
As a 25-year old single, I don’t feel a bit degraded or insulted by the TV program. Instead of criticizing and debating for our own esteem, why not reflect seriously on what this tells us about our society. In fact, the mass media honestly reflects distorted values in our community. When marriage becomes the pier for a woman and the certificate of success for a man, the marriage is simply based on self-centeredness. A presentable career together with a complete family make the crown of success for a man; Not on the list of evaluation, occasional lust is a reasonable excuse for disloyalty. What makes a woman proud, on the other hand, is a gentle and caring husband who has a presentable career that ensures stable living standard, and of course in addition to all these, such pride becomes incomparable if she marries a handsome man in a grand romantic wedding. I do not see the difference between men and women; both go after their own well-being, be it symbolized by different things they pursue.
And so I ask, in what do we persist for family values? Love, from the beginning, is never something concerning just one self. Any kind of relationship, be it among the family, among friends, between lovers, students and teachers, employees, bosses and colleagues, means responsibility to other people’s interest and need, which is definitely beyond that of one self. Whenever my students ask me whether I oppose to them dating at an early age, I always tell them, “If you can’t even be responsible for your own life, never think about committing to another’s.” Ironically, nevertheless, we date, we marry, mostly initiated by whether or not I like that person, what I expect from him/ her, what I receive in the relationship, whether I am happy… yet seldom do we consider how much I can give. What you give concerns not time, gifts or even your body, but the capability of committing, particular to romance, a non-congenital relationship that often brings us so much emotional turbulences. What excuse, in that case, do we have not to consider seriously whether we are ready to commit? Moreover, what does marriage really mean? Consumerism? Or showing-off? As we expect mutual trust and sometimes promises in relationships as basic as friendship and courtship, marriage actually carries the meaning of a life-long commitment. Is marriage not the construction of a family? Hence, the moment when we decide to get married, are we ready to start the never-ending career of being a wife, a husband, a daughter-in-law, a son-in-law and even parents? Otherwise, does marriage merely mean getting the relationship and the future living standard insured? We could definitely be irresponsible to ourselves, making a choice based on self-interest; in the worst case you just leave the person you no longer love, get hurt, drain tears, and then go fetch another person who makes you happy. What if you got children? Children are the ones born in the family without a choice. Who then, is responsible to them? For what reason must children bear the consequence of a selfish marriage? Could it possibly be misfortune? Broken families, marginalized youth, and pathetic adults who believe that love and marriage constructs their value; such a vicious cycle is the heartbreaking reality. Some say divorce is a selfish act; I’ll say rash marriage is something more serious.
Marriage is solemn, for it represents the construction of a family, while families construct our society. Even if you don’t give a shit worrying about corrupt social values, at the very least you never want to hurt your beloved family. Furthermore, face the truth: love relationship is never a remedy for self-esteem problems, even if it might have made you feel good about yourself initially. It once brought you to the “top of the world”, and has dropped you into the abyss as well, because you mistakenly thought it’s the only index you could refer to, so as to know if you are loved and if you are valuable. Yet isn’t each one of us born to be special and in fact invaluable? From birth to death, romance is just part of our bibliography; a complete life consists of many other parts, and the most important thing is to hold on to your uniqueness, to treasure what you possess, thus love those who deserve in your unique way, so that you never regret living your life.
Being a 25-year-old singe, I never declare that I have no desire in dating and getting married. At this moment, nonetheless, I am indeed blissful; I have a family that supports me anytime, friends that trust me whole-heatedly, students that I cherish, a career in which I am satisfied and gradually grow mature, and values that worth persisting in. After all, I have a dream, perhaps a dream forever, that I would meet the other one who is willing to understand, to support, and hence to commit with me in pursuing those values. I still believe I can do something to make the world a better place, and I wish there would be another person who shares my dream, just like what my parents and my sister always do. And if we shall have children, these values that we believe in should be the most valuable property inherited. But now, since I haven’t met such a person yet, I could still focus on passing this on among my friends and my students.
In fact, I enjoy telling people what my age is. On one hand it’s a fun guessing game because people are usually misled by my height, and I love seeing them get shocked after knowing the truth; on the other hand, the milestone of 25 makes me be cognitive that I have lived these 25 years, in which I have been learning how to be a wise and mature person. And let me declare once more: I am 25, single. So what?
看的時候有兩種感覺：先是可笑，然後來的是悲哀。
可笑的事也挺多的。首先“盛女(剩女)”這個標籤稱呼本來已經可笑，原來廿五歲或以上仍然單身的女士，就是剩下來無人問津的失敗者(不忘聲明，筆者也是年屆廿五的單身女子)；反觀“男人四十一枝花”，你看節目裡的“筍盤”都是職場上拼了十多年，名利雙收的時候想找個女人成家的“鑽石王老五”。John Berger 在 Ways of Seeing 裡所說的“men act and women appear”，亦完整的詮釋這種性別定型的主流價值觀。至於主流價值觀是對是錯，女人是否以婚姻決定其價值，而男人是否用事業判斷其成就，其實答案大家都心知肚明，就看你有沒有逆流甚至顛覆的膽色。要是說女人為了奉承男人，不惜變身，變成小鳥伊人、事事順從的美少女戰士才能獲垂青，那麼“贏”回來的男人，愛的根本不是真正的你。假如女人居然為了“嫁得出”的面子和安穩而選擇與一個不認識、不了解、不接受，更遑論愛你的人過下半輩子，可笑也實在可憐。
另一邊廂，那些獵食的“成功男人”也是很可笑的。他們花了至少十年去追逐他們眼裡的“成就”，得到了，歇一會，覺得該找個女人，而且覺得自己有條件找個很好的；不過十年只埋首在事業上，再聰明的男人依我看也沒得智慧，既然從前沒有好好花時間結交知己良朋，該知道這會兒樸過來的女人到底是真的懂你、準備好擔當你另一半的角色，還是為了你表面擁有的所有而企圖跟你做結婚這買賣的。男人啊，別以為單憑自己的條件可以“買”一個女人當老婆，更不要不屑那些窮一生追求好歸宿的女人沒大志，對她們來說，那個也許就相等於你窮一生追求的名成利就。如果我笑為了男人改變自己的女人可憐，那為了名利失去自己的男人就更可憐，因為連自知之明也沒有。
作為一個廿五歲而單身的女性，看了那電視節目我沒有覺得被貶低、被冒犯；與其耗盡精神為自我身份反抗、辯論，不如認真反思我們的社會到底怎麼了。電視節目不過是傳播媒體，它能引起如此關注，恰反映我們生活的群體裡，真真實實存在價值觀扭曲的悲哀。無論是女的想找個靠岸，還是男的成就到手就獵老婆，根本就是單純的自我中心。男的立了業必須成家，為的是獲取“成功”之冠冕，婚後如果偶爾出軌，也不過為滿足情感或肉體需要；女的找個溫柔體貼、關懷備至的，職業“見得人”，至少能確保生活安穩，如果長得帥，婚禮也搞得冠冕堂皇，就可以炫耀自己的幸福－兩者心態是一樣，只求自己得益，不過是大家要的東西名堂不一樣而已。
那麼，我敢問，家庭價值是甚麼？從戀愛開始，就已經不再是一個人的事。無論建立何種關係，包括親情、友情、愛情、師生甚至僱主、僱員或同事，都是一種承擔，因為牽涉其他人，所以不能只想自己的喜好、自己的需要。每次學生問我是否跟一般老師一樣反對中學生談戀愛，我都告訴他們，如果你連自己都做不好，不要奢望能夠承擔另一個人的事情。諷刺的是，我們談戀愛，甚至到結婚，往往只想我是否喜歡、我有甚麼期望、我得到甚麼、我開心與否，甚麼時候會想，我能付多少？這付出不是說花多少時間、買甚麼禮物甚至乎以身相許，而是說，在投入一段關係以先，特別是愛情這種特容易讓人情緒波動的非家庭後天關係，我們更應該仔細思量，我到底能承擔嗎？再說，婚姻代表甚麼？難道是消費、是示威？既然愛情甚至友情本來就要求承擔，婚姻更是一輩子承擔的承諾。豈不知道婚姻就是家庭的建立麼？在我們渴望步入婚姻的同時，到底是準備好擔當妻子、丈夫、媳婦、女婿以至父母這永不見退休之日的任務，還是不過希望能為那段感情、甚至只為自己面子和安穩買個保險？我們可以對自己不負責任，自我中心的作了選擇，頂多“不合則去”，哭過痛過，再去找能滿足自己的。那麼如果有了孩子呢？他們倒是沒得選擇地出生在這個草率建立的家庭裡，誰要對他們負責任呢？小孩子要承受父母自私的惡果，莫非純粹因其不幸？破碎的家庭、失喪的青少年、用愛情甚至婚姻建構自我價值的成年人，循環不斷，這是讓人心痛的事實。如果說離婚是自私的，不如說沒有搞清楚家庭價值而魯莽結婚的，自私得很。
戀愛、婚姻，這是嚴肅的事情，是關乎家庭的建立，而家庭是組成社會的核心結構。你絕對可以說社會敗壞與你無關，不過傷害你的摯愛、你的家人，你也於心不忍吧。再說，愛情並不是治療自我形象問題的良藥，即使一開始的時候它或許曾經讓你自我感覺良好。它之所以能把你抬高到“top of the world”，也能把你丟到無底深淵，是因為你誤以為它是你有沒有人愛、因而有沒有價值的指標。可是每個人都是獨特而珍貴的，從出生到離開世界，愛情只是其中的一部分，完整的人生，還包括太多其他的成份，更重要的是抓住你的獨特，珍惜你所擁有，以專屬你的獨特方式愛你生命裡值得愛的所有人，才無悔今生吧。
作為年屆廿五的單身人士，我沒有說我不想戀愛、不想結婚。然而現在，我也算得上是十分幸福；我擁有永遠支持我的家人、絕對信任我的朋友、我所珍愛的學生、讓我滿足並不斷成長的工作，還有值得我堅持下去的價值觀。我始終希望，也許是奢望，我終會遇到那一個人，能了解我、支持我並與我一同承擔我所堅信的價值觀。那是我堅持我能為世界變得美好而出一分力的信念，我深願除了我，還有那樣的一個人，最好連同我父母、妹妹，甚至將來要是有了兒女，一家人都為此而努力。不過現在的我，既然還沒遇到那個人，也至少能專注將這價值觀在我的朋友之間、學生當中承傳下去。
我其實挺喜歡主動告訴人家我的年齡，一方面是鬧著玩，讓人首先被我的身高誤導，然後驚訝我原來這麼大了；另一方面是曉得我確實活了這麼多年，這年齡是我學習智慧、以至漸漸成熟的里程碑。所以哦，我是年屆廿五的單身女生，又如何？
(In English)
I am 25, single. So what?
Being out of order for quite a while (well half a year in fact), the TV at home is never properly fixed. To be honest, I lack the initiative to get it fixed, for I haven’t seen any program in particular worth watching in the recent years. Last week when I came home from my working trip in Sichuan, I found people discussing and papers criticizing a program called “Bride Wannabes”. As a Comparative Literature student who is taught to do social criticism and gender studies, I was driven to get a glimpse of the series online.
While watching the program, absurdity stroke me first, then grief follows.
The absurd things are pretty apparent. In the very first place, “Bride Wannabes” labels women who reach the age of 25 and are yet still single as “unwanted maidens”. Such a gender stereotype (as one can easily decode simply by looking at the title of the program) propagates single ladies as a failure (and YES, I myself am a 25-year-old single too). On the contrary, as a Chinese saying goes, “40s are the best years of a man”, desirable men introduced to the ladies in the program are “professionals” who have been slaughtering on the career battle field for more than ten years, possessing fame, wealth and power as trophies of success and now, all of a sudden, feel an urge to marry a woman so as to build his own family. The renowned cultural theory of “men act and women appear” put forth by John Berger (Ways of Seeing, 1972) well elaborates this normative gender stereotype. And yet whether such norms make sense, whether marriage solely determines a woman’s value and whether career achievements decide a man’s success, all the above are beyond discussion; It’s not about “yes” or “no”, it’s about daring or not to overthrow these rules the majority has long been following. If a woman lives only for pleasing men, even though submissiveness, or oppression I’ll put it, “wins” her a man, the man definitely doesn’t love her as whom she really is. If marriage means saving face and ensuring stability, does it mean a woman can spend the rest of her life with someone who doesn’t really know her, who is not interested in understanding her, who doesn’t embrace the real her, who never truly loves her?
Meanwhile, those “successful men” who hunt for a wife are equally pathetic. Spending over a decade to pursue what they call “success”, they end up winning almost everything yet realize they need a wife to complete the bibliography of the “successful man”. Nonsensically, they are confident that they possess all the qualifications to own a perfect woman. However clever they might be, they are not a bit wise to expect marrying a woman who is genuinely ready to be a life-long partner, while in the past years they have actually been focusing solely on making money and building up fame instead of making sincere friends and building up supportive relationships with people around. It is indeed no surprise to find women linger around such men, eyeing on marriage in exchange for materialistic possessions. Men, don’t even think about “purchasing” a wife with all that you have, and dare you disdain women who live their life for getting married; marriage, to them, is equivalent to success, which you have been spending your whole life pursuing. If women who sacrifice the true self for men are pitiful, then men who trade the true self for the sake of fame and wealth are equally pathetic, perhaps not even knowing the reality.
As a 25-year old single, I don’t feel a bit degraded or insulted by the TV program. Instead of criticizing and debating for our own esteem, why not reflect seriously on what this tells us about our society. In fact, the mass media honestly reflects distorted values in our community. When marriage becomes the pier for a woman and the certificate of success for a man, the marriage is simply based on self-centeredness. A presentable career together with a complete family make the crown of success for a man; Not on the list of evaluation, occasional lust is a reasonable excuse for disloyalty. What makes a woman proud, on the other hand, is a gentle and caring husband who has a presentable career that ensures stable living standard, and of course in addition to all these, such pride becomes incomparable if she marries a handsome man in a grand romantic wedding. I do not see the difference between men and women; both go after their own well-being, be it symbolized by different things they pursue.
And so I ask, in what do we persist for family values? Love, from the beginning, is never something concerning just one self. Any kind of relationship, be it among the family, among friends, between lovers, students and teachers, employees, bosses and colleagues, means responsibility to other people’s interest and need, which is definitely beyond that of one self. Whenever my students ask me whether I oppose to them dating at an early age, I always tell them, “If you can’t even be responsible for your own life, never think about committing to another’s.” Ironically, nevertheless, we date, we marry, mostly initiated by whether or not I like that person, what I expect from him/ her, what I receive in the relationship, whether I am happy… yet seldom do we consider how much I can give. What you give concerns not time, gifts or even your body, but the capability of committing, particular to romance, a non-congenital relationship that often brings us so much emotional turbulences. What excuse, in that case, do we have not to consider seriously whether we are ready to commit? Moreover, what does marriage really mean? Consumerism? Or showing-off? As we expect mutual trust and sometimes promises in relationships as basic as friendship and courtship, marriage actually carries the meaning of a life-long commitment. Is marriage not the construction of a family? Hence, the moment when we decide to get married, are we ready to start the never-ending career of being a wife, a husband, a daughter-in-law, a son-in-law and even parents? Otherwise, does marriage merely mean getting the relationship and the future living standard insured? We could definitely be irresponsible to ourselves, making a choice based on self-interest; in the worst case you just leave the person you no longer love, get hurt, drain tears, and then go fetch another person who makes you happy. What if you got children? Children are the ones born in the family without a choice. Who then, is responsible to them? For what reason must children bear the consequence of a selfish marriage? Could it possibly be misfortune? Broken families, marginalized youth, and pathetic adults who believe that love and marriage constructs their value; such a vicious cycle is the heartbreaking reality. Some say divorce is a selfish act; I’ll say rash marriage is something more serious.
Marriage is solemn, for it represents the construction of a family, while families construct our society. Even if you don’t give a shit worrying about corrupt social values, at the very least you never want to hurt your beloved family. Furthermore, face the truth: love relationship is never a remedy for self-esteem problems, even if it might have made you feel good about yourself initially. It once brought you to the “top of the world”, and has dropped you into the abyss as well, because you mistakenly thought it’s the only index you could refer to, so as to know if you are loved and if you are valuable. Yet isn’t each one of us born to be special and in fact invaluable? From birth to death, romance is just part of our bibliography; a complete life consists of many other parts, and the most important thing is to hold on to your uniqueness, to treasure what you possess, thus love those who deserve in your unique way, so that you never regret living your life.
Being a 25-year-old singe, I never declare that I have no desire in dating and getting married. At this moment, nonetheless, I am indeed blissful; I have a family that supports me anytime, friends that trust me whole-heatedly, students that I cherish, a career in which I am satisfied and gradually grow mature, and values that worth persisting in. After all, I have a dream, perhaps a dream forever, that I would meet the other one who is willing to understand, to support, and hence to commit with me in pursuing those values. I still believe I can do something to make the world a better place, and I wish there would be another person who shares my dream, just like what my parents and my sister always do. And if we shall have children, these values that we believe in should be the most valuable property inherited. But now, since I haven’t met such a person yet, I could still focus on passing this on among my friends and my students.
In fact, I enjoy telling people what my age is. On one hand it’s a fun guessing game because people are usually misled by my height, and I love seeing them get shocked after knowing the truth; on the other hand, the milestone of 25 makes me be cognitive that I have lived these 25 years, in which I have been learning how to be a wise and mature person. And let me declare once more: I am 25, single. So what?
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